Hi, all 3 or so of you who might still look for my blogs. I have really really been busy being a giant busy mama bee. At the same time, I feel like I have accomplished very little lately. I am learning how to actually rest. This is not as innate as it should be. I feel lazy sleeping more when Jeff goes to work. I feel silly laying down at 9 pm when I haven’t much strenuous activity during the day.. but I am tired! I do need the rest. So what if the hospital bag is only half packed and I haven’t finished sanitizing every bottle and pacifier? It will get done.
In our culture, productivity and being busy is viewed as more important than being balanced. That isn’t healthy for my baby or conducive for me being a good mama so I am rejecting that idea. Our house isn’t perfectly clean but its not filthy. I am doing what I can.
I went to a birth class last night and of course they touched on losing weight after baby. “I am sure you are all wondering…” um. Actually, no I am not wondering or even thinking about losing my baby weight. Baby isn’t even here yet! Why is this even a topic stressed? We worry ourselves enough with appearances. At least, I do typically. I have a shit ton of stretch marks now and they DO bother me but the thing I am most worried about is my baby being healthy, being able to birth him without fear in the best and safest way for us both, and breastfeeding. I am really concerned about breastfeeding because I really want to do it and I know it isn’t an easy road for many new mamas.
I learned plenty of other valuable information at the class so I don’t hold it against them but I wish I didn’t open my social media accounts to see all the targeted ads for “fitness” . I put it in quotes because none of them are really aimed at health. Lots of MLMs and quick fix type supplements or exercise programs or energy shakes that have questionable ingredients. It bums me out that this is what new moms are confronted with as if it is healthy, important, and works. The more I go through this journey the more clearly I see that a lot of Americans don’t have great nutritional education. This is why fat shaming and body shaming in general really fucking irritates me. We collectively assume as as society that fat people are dumb, have no self control, or don’t care about their health. While I know that being obese isn’t healthy, the idea that obese people need to just “stop eating so much” is the answer is asinine. In what other country are we bombarded with the conflicting messages we are here? I am sure there are other places this happens but why can I see a commercial for slimfast and a whopper back to back?
I am not saying we have no personal responsibility in our health however it is hard to find consistent information about a healthy diet. Even today I saw a friend post that they went to the doctor and were told they have the highest cholesterol of any person their age they’d ever seen. She’d recently changed her diet to be healthy following keto- I am not educated in the diet but the fact there are SO many choices and diet programs out there is nuts. My mom and sister are doing some weird 3 day diet. I said why not just eat some raw veggies if you are hangry? Well, its not on the diet. Okay but at what point is a cucumber going to make you fat?! Even if it isn’t on the diet. I don’t understand.
Why is unhealthy food so much cheaper? I mean, we can act like poor folks have choices to eat healthy or not but at the end of a long work day maybe you have $10 to buy dinner. And remember, you are tired from working and may not feel like cooking. What are you going to choose? A frozen meal and a soda or chips (~$7) or buy separate organic ingredients and go over your budget? Then go home and cook? I probably wouldn’t to be honest. It is a great privilege to have the energy and time to cook even if you are sticking to a budget.
Anyway, I don’t give a fuck when I~ bounce back~ I will be a big squishy mommy with bouncy fat rolls until I am not. And I am trying to eat well and get in leafy greens and veggies but sometimes I fail. Sometimes I want nothing more than a cheesy gordita crunch from taco bell. I’m not perfect and I like cheese and fake cheese. I am fortunate to have my supplemental foods (fish oil, magnesium drink, collagen peptides, dates, spirulina, probiotics, my fancy prenatal vitamins I could barely afford, the giant box of suggested herbal teas for preggos, etc).
So there is a lot going on in my brain. This blog is gonna be everywhere. I quit really checking my facebook because I seriously cannot handle the negativity. Everyone has a right to talk about their real lives- I am not in the positivity cult nor am I interested in silencing anyone expressing criticism. Right now, I am just so so so sensitive to traumatic birth stories and infant loss. My heart breaks for people who are going through it and it scares the fuck out of me because I am no different than they are! I am also just another human who that could happen to. I really have to stay relaxed and believe I will have a joyful birth and a healthy child. I have to believe that to get through the rest of my pregnancy. In no way do I want to silence those mothers and fathers who have lost. That is never my intention. I want to hear ALL stories after my baby is born.
I have some guilt here too which isn’t fully logical but it is still present. Someone very close to me had a miscarriage during my pregnancy and my joy feels really unfair. She’d be the best mother- she’s actually married, they have a home, it would be a stable and wonderful life for a child. And then I think about my unplanned totally healthy bub. I feel unworthy of him sometimes to be totally honest. I feel unworthy of how supportive and loving his father is to me- treating me the best any other human has ever treated me. I worry I won’t be a good enough mom. I worry I don’t deserve this healthy baby boy. I worry he won’t be healthy and he will be marginalized. I worry I will mess him up with imperfect parenting. I worry about what will happen to our beautiful relationship. I worry Jeff will die and I will be a single mom.
But I do not worry about being fat after he is born.